What a breathtaking essay. Your philosophy about stillness and being versus doing reminds me of a time when I wrote a book about waiting. Does waiting have a purpose? What can seasons of inactivity teach us? These were questions I began with, and I dove into the spirituality (because I was a spirituality author back then) of waiting.
What I learned is that most of us struggle with periods of rest and inactivity, because we are primed to be "productive citizens of society." Think about it: who do we value the most? a person who is nonverbal and in a wheelchair or someone in a corporate position? Naturally, you and I might answer this question differently than most people would. I'm sure we would, in fact. But it's evident by the way our society upholds those who "contribute" something to it while infantilizing those who are disabled or unable to work.
My belief is that ALL humans have dignity, and I strive to treat them that way. Maybe having a daughter like Sarah has brought that to the forefront for me. It seems to me that I needed to learn that lesson, because I am a lot like your husband--a doer. I struggle with feeling guilty when I take a break, or a walk, or a nap, or a massage. But I know I am not a machine. No human is. And in remembering my limitations, I am better able to care for myself and give others the room to care for themselves, too.
Thank you for sharing your perspective and your own journey with waiting -- what a profound thing to sit with, to explore not just the discomfort of inactivity but the meaning embedded within it.
I love the way you framed this: who do we value most? It makes me think about how we unconsciously rank worth based on output, and how deeply ingrained that hierarchy is across cultures and continents.
The example you gave -- of society upholding those who "contribute" while diminishing those who cannot -- captures the essence of our times.
Maybe that’s what I was circling around in this piece ... how quickly identity becomes entangled with productivity; I've had my years of darkness, not knowing who I was if I identified "just as a mom." My titles stripped from me, my bank account empty.
Your reflection makes me wonder: if we struggle with stillness on a personal level, how do we begin to untangle it on a societal level? How do we collectively shift our understanding of value, not just in ourselves but in how we see others?
And I love that you brought it back to your own lived experience as a doer, as someone who has had to learn (and maybe still relearns) that caring for yourself isn’t an indulgence but a necessity. Maybe that’s the work, for all of us ... learning that being enough is not contingent on how much we produce.
Thank you, again, for this thoughtful commentary and share, Jeannie. It’s given me so much to mull over.
Oh, wow, your response has the wheels turning in my head! So the word “hierarchy” jumped out at me. Yes! I believe that hits the target. It’s somehow always about classifying and categorizing people, and I think we do that to ourselves, too. Usually unawares, but it still happens.
Then, about identity. YES again. I unravel a bit of what you are talking about in my memoir about motherhood and identity. I lost myself after having five kids in ten years. I literally almost gave up on living. So my question was a basic one: who am I aside from a mother? And learning to answer that question was how I slowly rebuilt my life and reclaimed my sense of worth and value just being me. Without labels or expectations.
Then your question about making a societal shift—that is tricky. But so crucial to this conversation. It might be nice to hash out these thoughts in a follow-up piece, Mansi!
I had touched on some of it in this post a while back: https://open.substack.com/pub/mansimakes/p/defining-success but I think doing a deeper dive into the multilayered nuances of classification and categorization, both internal and external, is warranted.
This was beautiful! The dynamics in my marriage are similar (although I have ADHD so I don’t think I’m even as productive as you) and it was very thought provoking to read and see the world through my husband’s eyes (he sounds a lot like yours 🙃) thank you so much !
I might have undiagnosed ADHD…but that’s besides the point. I am glad that this resonated, Tina. I spent a lot of time thinking about this before I was able to find the words to express the nuances and complexities between doing and being. The biggest learning was appreciating his perspective and realizing how differently we move in this world, yet at the core, how both of us are very similar.
Hi Mansi,
What a breathtaking essay. Your philosophy about stillness and being versus doing reminds me of a time when I wrote a book about waiting. Does waiting have a purpose? What can seasons of inactivity teach us? These were questions I began with, and I dove into the spirituality (because I was a spirituality author back then) of waiting.
What I learned is that most of us struggle with periods of rest and inactivity, because we are primed to be "productive citizens of society." Think about it: who do we value the most? a person who is nonverbal and in a wheelchair or someone in a corporate position? Naturally, you and I might answer this question differently than most people would. I'm sure we would, in fact. But it's evident by the way our society upholds those who "contribute" something to it while infantilizing those who are disabled or unable to work.
My belief is that ALL humans have dignity, and I strive to treat them that way. Maybe having a daughter like Sarah has brought that to the forefront for me. It seems to me that I needed to learn that lesson, because I am a lot like your husband--a doer. I struggle with feeling guilty when I take a break, or a walk, or a nap, or a massage. But I know I am not a machine. No human is. And in remembering my limitations, I am better able to care for myself and give others the room to care for themselves, too.
What a great essay today!
Thank you for sharing your perspective and your own journey with waiting -- what a profound thing to sit with, to explore not just the discomfort of inactivity but the meaning embedded within it.
I love the way you framed this: who do we value most? It makes me think about how we unconsciously rank worth based on output, and how deeply ingrained that hierarchy is across cultures and continents.
The example you gave -- of society upholding those who "contribute" while diminishing those who cannot -- captures the essence of our times.
Maybe that’s what I was circling around in this piece ... how quickly identity becomes entangled with productivity; I've had my years of darkness, not knowing who I was if I identified "just as a mom." My titles stripped from me, my bank account empty.
Your reflection makes me wonder: if we struggle with stillness on a personal level, how do we begin to untangle it on a societal level? How do we collectively shift our understanding of value, not just in ourselves but in how we see others?
And I love that you brought it back to your own lived experience as a doer, as someone who has had to learn (and maybe still relearns) that caring for yourself isn’t an indulgence but a necessity. Maybe that’s the work, for all of us ... learning that being enough is not contingent on how much we produce.
Thank you, again, for this thoughtful commentary and share, Jeannie. It’s given me so much to mull over.
Oh, wow, your response has the wheels turning in my head! So the word “hierarchy” jumped out at me. Yes! I believe that hits the target. It’s somehow always about classifying and categorizing people, and I think we do that to ourselves, too. Usually unawares, but it still happens.
Then, about identity. YES again. I unravel a bit of what you are talking about in my memoir about motherhood and identity. I lost myself after having five kids in ten years. I literally almost gave up on living. So my question was a basic one: who am I aside from a mother? And learning to answer that question was how I slowly rebuilt my life and reclaimed my sense of worth and value just being me. Without labels or expectations.
Then your question about making a societal shift—that is tricky. But so crucial to this conversation. It might be nice to hash out these thoughts in a follow-up piece, Mansi!
I had touched on some of it in this post a while back: https://open.substack.com/pub/mansimakes/p/defining-success but I think doing a deeper dive into the multilayered nuances of classification and categorization, both internal and external, is warranted.
This was beautiful! The dynamics in my marriage are similar (although I have ADHD so I don’t think I’m even as productive as you) and it was very thought provoking to read and see the world through my husband’s eyes (he sounds a lot like yours 🙃) thank you so much !
I might have undiagnosed ADHD…but that’s besides the point. I am glad that this resonated, Tina. I spent a lot of time thinking about this before I was able to find the words to express the nuances and complexities between doing and being. The biggest learning was appreciating his perspective and realizing how differently we move in this world, yet at the core, how both of us are very similar.